Despite the stale Moon Pies, I enjoy the car ride part of road trips. Sometimes even more than the actual destination, depending. Put me in the car for a 30 minute commute to Happy Food Store Inc. and I can't stand it. But stuff me in a conversion van filled with luggage stacked up to my neck for 7 hours? Yes. Heck yes. As miserable as that may sound, I think of going as half the fun. Sadly, not many people agree with that opinion. And judging by the fact that I was the only one still awake within 10 minutes of leaving the house suggests that my siblings didn't agree either.
*flaaassshhbba--That trip was only like, 3 days ago. Geez.
So rather than flashing-back, how about I describe my experiences with...
The first sign to mark the beginning of a good road trip is to mess something up. The people I always end up traveling with find it best to repeat this step a few times though, just for good measure. Here's a convenient checklist I put together to make sure that your road trip is full of plenty of screw-ups, before it even begins! Based on true events.
Now that we've finally left the driveway, everyone else but me would rather just get to the destination than go there. So what do you do when you're all super excited to be on the road, but everyone else would rather sleep? Well, I personally stick to doing a few basic things that anyone would do in that situation. You know, add the words "isn't it?" to the end of sentences so they stop making grammatical sense, or attempt to start up some Pokémon rap battles*. If I don't get a reaction from those basic techniques, then it's obviously time to start babbling about stuff that makes no sense. Incessantly.
I for one, would be pretty annoyed with myself if I weren't myself and were listening to myself spout all of that
Okay, okay, so if you don't mind the stale food and you don't mind being on the road for several hours at a time, then what could there possibly be to hate about road trips? Why can't they be considered a love/love relationship? Question: have you ever seen a scary movie? And I'm not talking about some generic slasher horror film. I mean like an actual, scary, movie? Like, Teletubbies scary? Well then, two words for you: Public. Restrooms. No difference.
*flaaassshhbbacck* (fo' realzies)
Imagine that you're parked at a semi-ghetto gas station and it is raining. No, like pouring buckets. Like someone left a bunch of buckets full of water out on the back porch, only for a stampede of goats to show up out of nowhere and kick them all over at the same time. And the goats and the buckets are above you... It was raining pretty freakin' hard, alright? At this time, my brother and I figured that it would probably be a good time to find a bathroom, seeing as we weren't going to have another good excuse to stop in the monsoon-like rain storm again any time soon. Well, this just so happened to be one of those special kind of semi-ghetto gas stations. By that, I mean that the gas pumps were on one side of a grass island, and the actual gas station was across the parking lot on the other side of the island. Our only option was to sprint through the storm like men. And we did.
When we reached the gas station and made it inside, we noticed that there was only one restroom in the building. Of course, it was the women's restroom. I decided to ask the lady behind the counter where the men's restroom was. She just casually pointed out the back exit of the building and said "out there." Wait, what? I followed her finger with my eyes one more time to make sure I wasn't just being stupid. Nope. She was pointing out the back door. I followed my brother out the door, because, we had already walked all the way over here, right? We were greeted by a crude, rusty metal sign that had an arrow pointing to the right on it. We followed it. That sign led us to another one, marked with a left arrow. We continued following the signs until we were finally met with a door with only one hinge and no door knob. Also known as, the men's restroom. Behind that door we found something that started a chain of events with every bathroom we visited on the rest of that trip thereafter. A small, shiny, 3-inch-wide gooey green blob, that can only be best compared to Flubber. I don't know what it actually was or how it got there, but we found the same stuff in 3 different bathrooms afterwards.
Buuuut, all stale foods, cramped driving space, long hours with nothing to do, repulsive restroom conditions, and Flubber aside, don't road trips sound awesome? Because nothing is quite as fun as some off-time on the road with good friends and some new places to explore. I love/hate you too, road trips.
*Because you know you wanted to hear it:
The Pokémon Rap Battle
Masterfully composed by yours truly:
It's time to Hitmon-change the subject
You better not Wobbe-forget it
You're about to be defeated
And I won't even sweat it
One plus one equals Gyara-dos
One plus one equals Mew-two
Better shut your Meowth
Before I shut it for you
...that's as far as I got. It'll hit Platinum soon.
